The Texas Legislature is in session and I have some pieces of legislation to suggest to our elected representatives in Austin. First off, I'd like somebody to introduce a bill regulating the window of time during which Christmas decorations can be displayed.
If you've listened to my commentaries over the years, I've sort of appointed myself the Christmas decoration czar. I don't like the Christmas lights and lawn decorations to go up too early or stay out too late.
I bring this up because there is a family in the neighborhood who still has their Christmas lights up on the house. And they're on a timer and they still light up every night. They're those white icicle lights. And they make me crazy.
Now, keep in mind, these lights went up well before December first and now here we are in March and they're still up. Let me tell you, Christmas lights are not a year-round decoration. You know what Christmas lights left up year round are? An indication of A) laziness or B) trashiness. Or C) both.
I propose that Christmas decorations be allowed no earlier than the 15th of November and that they must be removed by January 15th.
So, if there's a lawmaker in the Metroplex brave enough to introduce this legislation, he or she is guaranteed my vote come next election.
If you drive any major interstate highway in Texas you have seen the signs that state clearly, "Left lane for passing only." I suppose that means it's the law. Why then do I always get stuck behind somebody in that left lane who's blocking fifteen cars in the right lane from passing the other slow poke who needs to be on the feeder road, not the highway?
I propose a new law, an addendum to current highway lane usage regulations, if you will. Anybody driving in the left lane who is not passing another vehicle will be shot on sight. Period. Is that too harsh?
OK, one more proposal for lawmakers and it has to do with parents controlling their kids. I would suggest a bill that makes it a capital offense for any parent to take his or her child into any store or restaurant clad only in a diaper. I know it gets hot in Texas, but please. Nobody wants to see little Billy's overflowing pull-ups. And the poor kids and their feet, blackened by walking on asphalt and dirty floors. Please, it's just gross.
And while we're at it, one more piece of legislation. Any parent who lets their kids run around the restaurant screaming and disturbing other patrons should automatically be required to pay the bill of all others in the establishment.
The email is email@example.com for any lawmakers who want to contact me about these vital legislative needs.
That's what I'm thinking.